I gotta line on you-“come up to my Penthouse sweetie pies, free Blow Pops for all Guides, the female ones that is!”
“That was the greatest tour I ever took, you’re so smart-Let’s go to my Limousine, it’s my vehicle baby, it can take you anywhere you wanna go, you’re gonna be a star!”says the part owner of the Sheraton Hotel.
Another night, another Limousine party …
1973-1978 A very big star with even bigger stories…
Hop-On pretty little tour guide-let’s visit the Spinning-Ice Tunnel of Love.
Telly was often behind the wheel of a stretch Limo, parked on a private road alongside the Hollywood Freeway-under the shadow of his hotel.
My Golf Cart, my Rolls Royce, my Limo, my Winnebago. And I live on the studio lot…Teamsters drive me around when I’m entertaining!
Mannix wishes…He was Me!
After Work- Bonding Time
Guides often spin stories about after hour antics that take place at Telly’s Bar located inside The Universal Sheraton Hotel. It’s as if Telly touched every guide in one way or another. His kindness and generosity often meant…Drinks are on the house, if you’re pretty and perform well with a microphone. This man can launch you career, or ruin it before it starts.
Tram Drivers often pick up our “twisted sisters” tour guides since we provide transportation for the inebriated hotel guests that jump into the first vehicle that pulls up to the fountain out front of this star studded hotel. I often am handed this job by tour dispatch.
The Hotel Shuttle Ride
My duties include safely containing and transporting passengers that sample our restaurants which are Fung Lums, Victoria Station, and Womphoppers.
Fung Lum’s, offers high end Chinese delicacies, along with beautiful Chinese tourists, pictured left-on the right is a Western Setting American menu that competes with Telly’s for customers. Telly’s Bar offers free drinks to potential Kojak fans while Womphopper’s offers mechanical bull rides. Guides can’t get enough of riding …Trams, Bulls, Limo’s -A ride is a ride.
Victoria Station is the restaurant closest to the tour ticket booths, my shuttle stops under a 50 ft.flag pole where guests throw their loose change in a fountain that adds up to about 30 dollars in coins and is drained of change daily. Tourists can’t wait to shell out money, and willingly we accept all currency.
Affectionately called The Clown Wagon, my open air hotel shuttle gets pretty cold in the winter, but most guest warm up with what seems like a hilltop of never-ending alcohol choices. It’s my job to safely bring you from one to another, one to another and one to another. I watch women get shit faced, one bar after another, and the stories get more risqué as they warm up behind me and and alongside. Often, they just want company, being travelers and are here for one reason for movie fun.
I look like I stepped out of the Smokey and the Bandit hit feature film, that is a film Universal Studios can’t promote enough, studio operations has a thing for Burt Reynolds. I wear a silver jacket with Universal Studios on the sleeves, like a cartoon character. I’m often propositioned by groupies wanting access to the Universal Amphitheater on show nights.
Like being the only “Straight guy” at Woodstock…
But I’m a red blooded American and some things are too good to pass on. Yes, I have shuttled girls inside the studio and after doing a brief private tour, I deposit them at the Artist Entrance at the Red Carpet behind the Amphitheater- never to be seen again.
But when opportunity exists and I’m a free bird, on the Clown Wagon, I basically own this mobile soap opera. One night just before I was closing the shuttle down for the night, The Sheraton was my last stop. Now being an empty wagon, I race my tram car down a private road usually reserved for smelly old diesel busses that lower already poor air quality with their never ending soot. That’s why we moved them as far away as possible as they sit idling all day.
BUT WAIT… as I glance around this vacated area one car stands out…it;s a limousine, and Telly Savalas is behind the steering wheel, parked with the driver side window down. He ignores my Clown Wagon and does a line of cocaine as I look in disbelieve. I pull along side his Limo in my Clown wagon. We make eye contact as I pull the” JAKE Brake.” Air locks up the brakes as I exit the driver seat. Telly recognizes me since after work I’m often seen with tour guides of which he has a hankering for.
I walk up saying “Hey Maggott” referring to his Dirty Dozen character. He chops a huge line and offers me the straw. I graciously accept-since I’m done hauling guests around. My nose feels the burn, as I’m asked “Where’s all your little Tour Guidefriends?” Wanting an answer, he prepares another nose load. “You know a couple are strippers that double dip, since their job pays minimum wage.” Studio tours by day, burlesque shows into the wee hours.
“You know the guide Candy Cane she is a multitasker, I think she would enjoy a cocaine Blow Pop. Call it a speed bubble, “she barely conforms to rules here”…as I do another huge line. I’m feeling all right as I look at my tram parked in the middle of the road, starting a turn, with the yellow rotating safety light on the roof top looking like a Bat Signal.
I have been down this road a million times but never quite like this evening.
“Hey Telly, thanks, I gotta go park this thing, but- I’ll let Candy know Kojak was looking for her. I’ll come visit you, I’m here all the time and will give you a list of who’s naughty and who’s not. Berlin Busty is a tour guide actress you must meet. A shining, sexy German Tour Guide and actress on “Magnum P.I.”
I leave him with that caveat-as I give a farewell salute, and take off alongside the Hollywood Freeway inside….A Glamour Tram.
Madonna is a regular at Worldwide Studios, as is Billy. Whether it be at our famous music theater, Or just be banging around with Dick Tracy … better known as Warren Beatty.
He’s so vain, he probably thinks this story is about him…
Billy getting primed up with Demi Moore. Relax and get ripped…I’ll do the driving.
Mr. William Michael Albert Broad,otherwise known as Billy Idol and the Boys in the Band are on tour today.
Our tour journey begins at Tram Dispatch. Another day, another celebrity trolley tour. Tour dispatch sends out one their coolest guides… Stienbeck. He’s short and stocky and has a wit about him. He can feel the vibe of the tribe that presents itself to us. We always have fun together on trams. This trolley is like a very cozy get together that holds 16 folks max. Today, we have a big band in this…small club.
Last night, Steiner, as we affectionately call him, hit a homer. Not at Telly’s Bar, but at a softball field across from the studio. He is the captain of the tour guide baseball team. The team is predominantly female, male guides hardly join in. This is the studio tour’s version of…The Bad New Bears.
In a surprisingly close game against an all male Teamster line up, drivers prevailed 17 to 6. I never played with so many girls on a diamond. I shined in the outfield, making several great catches and throws. I’m very mobile, and am not afraid to get dirty-leaving an impression on the girls-I tour with. They know a stud when they see one just like I know a beautiful woman when I bang into her. They even smell different than guys as the scent of antiperspirant mixes with the perfume of the day.
The guys, well, they smell like booze. I get more hugs in this park than I do at our job across the street. Remember this, there is no “I” in team. These guides give it up…to the victors. Especially the non- married players. “I don’t feel married.”
Steiner and I arrive at the trolley at the same time from opposite corners. We were not told who our customers are. We sit waiting on the trolley parked in front of Miami Vice. I compliment him on his long ball last night, he packs quite a wallop. All involved last night lack sleep since the game started after 9 pm.
He jokes “to bad Crockett and Tubbs can’t fix us up with a bump!”
Everybody at this tour kinda parties hard, even our guests…showbiz in the 80’s
We have to do this one on muscle memory all though there is a driver named Kyle that delivers. He has a kush Stand -By Van assignment shuttling employees. You get in this luxurious Dodge Van in the morning. The van then ushers you off to wardrobe or one of many departments. Pick me ups are offered as soon as the sliding door on the van shuts. This van is like a mobile expresso machine.
Some employees never want to exit and drag this part of their day as long as possible.
A group of 6 wildly dressed Rock Stars head our way. Instantly, we recognize a white haired phenom …it’s Billy Idol and the boys in the band. We have seen them act at our music theater, today we take center stage. They are the opening band-Steiner and I close the show.
Jewelry like you would see in some monster movie dangles from every part of their body. They jingle and jangle as we introduce ourselves. “Do you got any specific places you wish to go” I ask? At the same time Steiner asks “Have you been on this tour before?”
Billy replies “The studio lot, yes. But the trams- No.” I counter, “Well, buckle up because we are going for a thrill ride!” The members start looking for their seat belts. I point out “it’s just an expression, there are no seat belts!” I shift into drive. We pull away from Miami Vice like we just got “bumped” with laughter.
As we pass behind the music theater a band is loading in. Trailers with lighting equipment are parked behind the huge load- in doors. Two very high end tour busses are parked side by side close by the red carpet of the artist entrance. “Been there, done that say our lead singer.”Steely Dan is here tonight” points out the power hitting tour guide Steiner.
I cough up “Bet you haven’t been inside a spaceship.” I pause. “Actually, maybe you have” as we get blasted in the face by liquid nitrogen.
This is the way we wake up…
This tour is private, like a Lear Jet, no stopping for the Lucille Ball make up demonstration. These guys know makeup better than Bud Westmore.
Is that you Billy?
We continue into the Art Gallery from Night Gallery. I figure they would like this place as we park inside this Art Exhibit.
Doesn’t get any darker than this tour…
I never thought I would view Rod’s Gallery with Rock Stars. They fit hand in hand with this display.
Where does the Art End and the Tour Start ???
So much cool stuff inside our property department. Gargoyles, Guillotines, and Sarcophagus eagerly try to trap you inside but, there is much more to- haunt your desires. We have only just begun to live!
As we continue on, we pass by Alfred Hitchcock’s famous bungalows in our produces offices area. These are old school Hollywood Bungalows. Ghosts live on this lot. They go back and forth to the exterior sets from their tiny but efficient writers offices. I tease the band. I say to everyone that we have the set from The Birds. We also have a spooky house on a hill, I’ll take you inside…From Psycho.
Steven Spielberg built Amblin down the road here and it is fit for a King. It has everything you could want to be creative. Nicest executive office on our lot, by far.
The thud you just heard was the Collapsing Bridge throwing around our little trolley. It was designed for big trams. I know how to time it just right to maximize the drop effect. If done correctly, the thud knocks the air out of your stomach, long enough to laugh after shrieking…
These guys picked the right tour for scary things…Kong is next up…
Our newest attraction is another monster to some, A Giant Ape to others or simply a Gentle Giant
As we go inside we offer up a truism, this is Michael Jackson’s favorite animation on the lot. Inside Kelly King is reporting from a helicopter, she shouts “Don’t Go Over that Confounded Bridge.” Too late now Kelly. With more liquid nitrogen pumped into our faces to disguise what’s next. I’m on that bridge Kelly was warning us about.
“Bridge looks fine to me Kelly, I’ve seen worse, we were just on a collapsing bridge.” What’s with these rides…
I feel like a Banana Split. Banana scent was added to Kong’s Growl. He breathes on you as he stares. Then he begins roughing us up. The Boys in the band love it so we do this 3 more times…A KONG ENCORE!
Such a fun animation, the best one in the park. We pass through the Red Sea, ending up in Transylvania. I park as we all set foot on Cobblestone roadways. Billy wants to piss so I direct them to a hidden bathroom. Hard to find because it is inside. Can you imagine standing up, taking a leak alongside a rock band that dress up like our Monsters do. “Hey, I think I know you” says a backlot “grip.” I sing a little and party a lot …
The fountain with four Flying Lions greets us in The Court of Miracles. This is one of our oldest props at the studio, every monster has spent time here, from Lugosi to Karloff.
From here we head through the old west and survive the Run Away Train. An interactive Train that is automated. I replaced the engineer in my trespassing days and acted out the “I can’t stop lip sync effect. I practiced acting in front of a never ending mobile stage. If security shows up I just play like a dummy. No talk no movement…I saw that once on Lucy.
Funnest trespass ever -Pretending I’m the engineer “I can’t Stop.” I can’t stop laughing that is.
Bridges seem dangerous on this tour but this dock has been here forever under several alias’s. Singapore Lake on original maps. PT 73 use to be anchored here. Then a shark moved in when Jaws blew doors off the box offices. But wait Cabot Cove Maine has annexed this Marina since Murder She Wrote is our number one series as we know “Get Attacked”
Four failed attempts by a man eating shark that depends on skilled mechanics to stay alive. Like an amphibious vehicle creature. High maintenance and temperamental, like so many other Hollywood Stars.
1313 Mockingbird Lane
Across from The Beavers House is a really nice family called The Munster House. Yes, we can go inside. I open the door slowly. This is just in case “Thing” is waiting under the interior stairs…The bang explores and looks out each window. Steiner says to me, “I hope no-one falls.” He points upstairs as the band gets dirty. I mean real dirt on their leather garments. “Well we warned them Steiner” They are on Marilyn’s scent, her long lost cousins. Eddie is in rehab I hear, good luck Little Munster fella.
Monster Mojo -Full Steam Ahead
We go up the hill slowly. Steiner builds up the story. He points out the original location at the base of the hill. “We moved it away from this area. The identity is hard to conceal. Shows prefer it not to be so recognizable.”
At this moment the house slowly comes into view, with the Bates Motel as our off ramp. Standing on the edge of the trolley, we stop to...lets the dogs loose. Rock Stars going every direction before we reunite at the Bates Motel Check In office. We walk up the famous stairway from the Motel to a home like no-other. Excitement like no other tour I’ve done. This is the featured song on our studio session album so to speak. The band has jewelry for every part of their body. I mean cool stuff, scorpions, spiders, snakes and skeletons. They are dressed for a show and Steiner and I our the vocals…Billy busy in a trance.
Probably writing a song in his head, he is the most quiet.
In the Midnight Hour I cry…More More More!
Well my friends before we enter, fact is-this place is haunted. By many creatures-she living some dead. Music is made by bull frogs, owls, coyotes, crickets, it’s a harmony in the dark under a full moon. Night tours are funner than daylight, you know where to find us. “Welcome to my home” as I enter first.
Inside, Outside, Upside Down is what is going on-The Band takes a picture with mother. She’s a rocker too as we kick start her rocking chair. This could be an album cover-it should be.
As we leave the residence, pure exuberance prevails. I see what gets these guys off, what they wear, what they prefer, the music they make. “Lets buy this place Billy!” is chanted as our tour comes to a conclusion after a confusing Ice Tunnel experience. Their heads were spinning at the Hitchcock House. Now they are spinning in the opposite direction. They are ready to be dropped off at a theater or haunted house near you. This all happened on the good old Glamour Tram Tour. “We’re Bad, We’re Nation Wide…see you on the next tour!”
All aboard!
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Join us on a nostalgic journey through the Worldwide Backlot. We will explore the whimsical world of “Get Smart,” the iconic spy comedy. It introduced us to the hilarious antics of Agent 86, portrayed by the legendary Don Adams. This beloved television show aired from 1965 to 1970. It was a clever satire of the spy genre. It captivated audiences with its unique blend of humor and action.
As we take a tour through the series, we will be reminded of a range of unforgettable characters. These include the brilliant but bumbling Agent 86. We also have his intelligent partner Agent 99 and the diabolical villains from the evil organization KAOS. Each episode brims with witty one-liners, slapstick comedy, and clever gadgets, making it a timeless classic.
“Get Smart” offers a reminder of laughter’s power. It also highlights the importance of teamwork in even the most absurd situations. So grab your shoe phone. Get ready to join Agent 86 on a wild adventure. It will be filled with laughs, surprises, and delightful- chaos!
We begin;
My name is called, and I receive instructions from Lead Dispatcher Iris over the intercom. The break room is filled with smoke. A Poker Game is interrupted…
Iris and I have become bonded at the hip. The lead dispatcher and the highest paid man on the hill has an infatuation with me. Probably because I act as if I like him…
I do actually. Yet he is also the most hated to go with highest paid. Just ask anyone in the overly medicated driver break room. My man, Iris, just called me over to dispatch, he has a special treat for me…a VIP tour for a TV icon, Don Adams. Iris surprises me with “did you watch the TV show Get Smart?”
“Of course” I retort…”well agent 86 is on your VIP trolley”….”give him whatever tour he would like!”as Iris blows me a kiss.
“Will do”, as I salute and run to my San Francisco style trolley, always reserved for higher end guests.
There he is. A trolley full of kids is being entertained by Tour Guide Paul. I jump on board excitedly. I put this ride in gear as I exchange pleasantries with these special guests.
The Tram tour begins…
We start off in a 12 seat trolley as opposed to his two seater red Sun Beam. His TV show has the coolest opening credits of any. I sit and watch Don in my mirrors as I plow ahead into our first animation… The Evil Cylons. I catch quick peeks of him and his kids. They react to the loud colorful laser mayhem. They paid good money to see this.
I can already tell this is going to be a memorable tour…Tour Guide Paul is one of our funniest guides and Mr. Adams interacts with us like we fit in with his family!
A few years back 1980, Don worked himself as a tram driver. In a film titled-The Nude Bomb”
An Evil Place …is our first stop
Our Guide Paul is perfect for this afternoon. He’s funny with a patient delivery and intelligent. Most guides want to be actors-he’s cut out more like an “agent.” Like an agent talking to an agent…Agent 86, meet Paul- one of the best guides and agents on our lot. Paul and I often run into KAOS on these tours.
Here we are, Paul and I, entertaining a Television Icon and his kids. I’ll give them an 8 hour tour if they wish. Make a celebrity laugh after years of him making me laugh on Friday Nights. The Cone of Silence today is a cone of “laughter and history.” A synergy of A Comedy, our funniest guide, and me. I’m known to follow rules loosely just cause “We all have a real Good Time around here”…
The only way this is better is if I was driving A Red Sunbeam. This trolley car will have to suffice. I was born to do Studio Tours-my stories are better than the Tour Guides. The top trespasser in Hollywood is driving the top secret agent in America. This is a tour we hope never ends.
We descend downwards to the bowels of the studio production area. Other tourists have noticed us. They rubberneck, knowing or just wondering who’s on board this open air VIP Trolley. Our guests briefly exit the trolley for a “make up show.” Paul powders his face, cleans his glasses, while remaining in the tour guide seat. This area is like a beauty pageant contest.
Lucy– or more specifically, a “stroller” or “double” for the the leading lady usher my guests inside. After 20 minutes, everyone rejoins my part of the driven tour. Paul, asks a question of Agent 86 as he steps back into our vehicle, “Who was your favorite director?” Don, using his Maxwell Smart voice, responds without hesitation, “Bruce Bilson.” I see Bruce’s name on credits ranging from Andy Griffith to Hogan’s Heroes. He directed more episodes of Get Smart than anyone and his name is attached to the greatest T.V Series of all time.
I someday hope to meet (Bruce the Director,)- Steven Spielberg named our Jaws Shark “Bruce” after his lawyer. There are sharks in this studio- both on land and water !
From here, the best part of the tour commences…all the most popular attractions lay in wait. Including that Shark named… Bruce.
Look who’s in Cabot Cove…Steven Spielberg shows Don how to…Surf with Sharks
Get Smart- gets the “hang of it”
“Please stay on the Tram Don, this shark attacks 20,000 people a day.” This old shark requires a lot of tuning up, like an old car…
A quiet moment with Bruce the Shark…”Start me up- start me up- you know I’ll never stop” Kinda looks like Mick too
Before we reach the shark we pass through another body of water known as -The Red Sea. We pause patiently as other trams move into and through- The Black Lagoon.
“Hey Don…It’s good to see ya again”-“You too, Richard Carlson. Is this what you’ve been doing for the last 20 plus years? asks Agent 86. This lake is full of hydraulic oil, that’s how it got its name-Black Lagoon, I point out. Sylvia Kristel was Don’s costar in his film involving our trams. She would make a great tour guide.
Sylvia has quite the resume as it turns out…we should definitely hire her! “She can jump start her career again here at WorldWide Studios -let’s do tours together Sylvia.” ” I’ll Guide you here, no one knows this place like I do.” She is a natural on that Microphone I’m quite certain.
Don Adams waits alongside our River Boat in our trolley. He makes a special announcement to his family on board. His family now includes myself and tour guide Paul. “That old paddle wheeler is where I met your mother, as he points outwards and upwards.
Dorothy Bracken former wife and mother of the group on board my tram.” ...How adorable is this !Mother of Sean and Stacey Adams.
Adelaide Adams,below, had 4 of the children before Dorothy and Don created two more little secret agents…
There’s Mom…
86 -INDEED -“I like her-I like her a lot” look...as we get our green light for the Black Lagoon crossing.
“I can’t believe,” as I convince myself- I’m part The Get Smart Family. We slip and slide through The Murky Red Sea. Water Mines detonate casting water spray our way with the summer breeze.We all get a little wet here as we head to Jaws, then into the Flash Flood. Many scenes in The Nude Bomb were done in Cabot Cove, the site of the Jaws attraction.
This is most every kids favorite animation, the old Shark that lives in a lake. “PT -73 used to be docked here.” Paul retrospects. He enlightens us as I get in alignment on a metal and wood dock. The dock tilts as the shark warms up.This dock is designed for a 120″ foot tram, but I’m driving a 20″ foot San Francisco Trolley. Usually the shark pops up 4 times -one for each tram car. But this is a fraction in size throwing off my coworking shark. To compensate, I need to drive backwards for all four shark bites.
This is forbidden with a tilted dock. I’ve done this before, so I feel no real danger to Agent 86 and his family.Plus he has been in our lake before- if- I miscalculate.
“Here we go again, I do this 300 times a day. But it never gets old, just keep the hydraulics flowing!”
I hit a grand slam – 4 shark attempted bites on the same birthday boy, my present to Sean. “Happy Birthday kid you’re now one of us.” The cockpit recognizes the birthday boy. It offers him up as lunch to a mechanical shark. It will be a birthday he will never forget. I Love this Job…
We exit Cabot Cove and short cut into old Mexico. Thunder begins as we turn into a developing rain storm. “That’s not Good ” exclaims Paul “We have flashfloods in this area with downpours like these.” As I park, I realize myself and my driver seat is partially blocking Sean’s view. I step off onto the cobblestone roadway. As thunder gives way to an 18000 thousand gallon …Flash Flood.
The little trolley remains dry although a wave comes very close, a wall detours the tsunami. I catch the partial tidal wave as my sock and shoes get thoroughly drenched. Good Old Don Adams saw it all, “You missed it by that much,” as he laughs at my situation.
Yes I become one of these jokes-“Would you believe that much”
“Well, it’s my shoe phone I’m worried about” as I exchange a watery wit. He laughs, “They never work when you stand in puddles.”
“I’ll show him – I’ll make him scream for the Chief inside my – Ice Tunnel.”
The Trolley is our vehicle for this tour…
Train keeps a rolling…
I’m having so much fun I never want this to finish. As we enter this white spinning tube, equilibrium’s take time to adjust. This tiny vehicle will allow me to terrorize my guests. I park in the center as this illuminated tube turns clockwise. Now’s great time to have one last meaning moment with The Adams Family and Don in particular. First, I pour water out of my shoes. I’m in no hurry. As we say on the lot, “We get paid by the hour round here!”
A great place to park and spin stories…
This is nauseating for some. I check on the families’ welfare. They are enjoying their extended playtime, so I let us sit stationary as the tunnel turns.
“My favorite character was Hymie in your series. He was the robot who could do everything.” I’m all casual like now’s a good time to chat- as the ice world turns. Don looks at me Coy, as I retie my wet shoes. We have all day, “Had I had known this Birthday tour was scheduled- I would have brought a cake.”
I start questioning our star as the sound of a cold, stern wind gives ambiance…like where’s he gonna go?
Like he’s been captured by KAOS.
“Dick Gautier was a good friend. He was a great actor to work with.” This spirals out of Agent 86 as the wolves begin to howl inside this rotating …block of ice.
Hymie resembles Eddie Munster- a legend on this lot.
How many episodes did you do ? asks Paul as the world turns ?
Don answers ” 5 seasons worth ” “Buck Henry and Mel Brooks created the series.” Don continues with his insights.
This is an interesting location for an unexpected interview with a captive legend.
I share to his son -“The Six Million Dollar Man” filmed inside here, that’s a great show isn’t it?” He smiles in an affirmative expression. Some common ground for the Birthday Boy.
Even the 6 Million Dollar Man looks…apprehensive posing with Big Foot. Stop laughing at me- Farrah Fawcett
I now slowly- back up….
Sounds innocent-until your stomach disconnects with your brain, different parts of your body start revolving in different directions. Tour Guide Paul shares this to our guests “No One does the Ice Tunnel like Donnie”
Next, I put it in Drive. I step on the gas towards a door covered with glass. It appears there is no end. The forward sensation after going backwards is unique. It feels as if the tube continually spins. It’s like the sensation of time, space, and matter combining like astronauts in a space capsule. This is not the way we get trained…I’m a pioneer in tube travel, I’m your way in, and I’;m your way out…Buckle Up!.
Don # 86 seems to have had enough. I remind him his shoe phone won’t work in here either. I got him back on shoe phone humor. No one to call inside here…
I can’t help you Max -Are you calling from the Cone of Silence, why is it so loud ? Good Luck 86
“Get me out of here Chief, this driver I think works for…KAOS!”
Screams erupt, so I keep moving. I have the entire length of the tube now to go backwards. I proceed slowly to the open cave end we just entered through. Paul and I accelerate to the other end. We emulate what Sonny Hooper and Jan Michael Vincent did in the finale of Hooper. This is often where your stomach meets the road as the big glass door slowly moves in an outwards direction.
We head back to tram loading and finish our tour. Paul and I see and experience everyone on board pulling it together. We come to a full and complete stop in front of my leader- Iris, no less. We say our farewells to America’s Favorite Family as they step ground back into…. theme park KAOS.
Before Stardom…This man would be found on- Glamour Trams
A papier mache statue exists of this male figure-Jack Wagner- in the Tour Guide Breakroom. First A.D turned Director, Katy Garretson discusses this “tour seat iconextraordinaire.” She mentions that this is the example of hitting it big, she raves about him. Senior guides kiss the vinyl seat he gave tours on. A legend -like our founder, Lew Wasserman.
These two guides exemplify courage behind the microphone. Katy is in the process of punching her own Bingo card. She has just returned to us via location work in Japan. This woman has “SWAG.”
She is intelligent and possesses a sharp wit. She is a take charge alpha dog. She follows some rules. However, she is not afraid to let her hair down and go “Off Script.” She was a guide before I took the steering wheel. She shares special wisdom about the “bag of nuts” that run our Studio Tour Operations.
Katy is winding down her tram career for an even more prestigious Quantum Leap into showbiz.
And I wish to thank The Glamour Tram for my inspiration in becoming the Director I am today!
Careers our launched in 100 degree summer days on board these star making contraptions. Endless expressions look her way, like she is in a play. Instant feedback, no editing here…we’re live, we’re bad, we’re Nation Wide.
These Trams are large because.…we have big egos.
We all want to be somewhere else, I suppose. Not me, I used to sneak on these trams long before I was hired. Guides become frustrated due to low pay and because- promises promises promises – don’t pay the rent. I can’t get enough of this place where pretty faces come and go. The Guide Breakroom is a struggling actor workshop in between tours. Guides call their agents for updates or call times as an extra…somewhere.
The Drivers discuss putting in a dance pole for our ‘Clubber Guides” that have night jobs. We will put it in our smoke filled, male oriented break room, for club ambiance training. Teamsters are good at this.
Jack Wagner, Jack Wagner, Jack Wagner
I have no idea who this guy is- he left right before I arrived. I never watched soap operas, like what guy does. But, he is Tram Gospel in this sacred landscape of -Sharks, Monsters and Aliens . Drivers match and raise you…we got our own stud -Ted. Ted was a Cosmopolitan centerfold. He hired in with me as we learned how to operate these Glamour Trams. together. Ted works on Airwolf, my favorite show on the lot, as an actor, and sometimes a driver. We all grab shows when the tour count falls low in the off season. Free agents until tourism blooms again. This when many guides disappear, never to return.
I document our training in early installments of Glamour Tram if you need a refresher course.
Ted is a ringer, male model, actor and a pastor. He has more scruples than anyone on this hilltop. Just ask Helen Gurly Brown. To top that off, B.G is a producer at Imagine Pictures- is his relative. Ted has a list of TV credits and has achieved everything all tour guides want to be. I’m proud to have Ted as a friend.
We love Ted -Who doesn’t!…Who is Jack Wagner?
Legendary tour guide -that’s who!
Bigger than any Emmy Award he is nominated for- his tours are legendary. His legacy is cemented here in Tram Folklore.His hand prints are proudly displayed in cement at Prop Plaza. Jack it turns out- is the role model and inspiration for every guide that that sits in that ‘backwards chair.”
I don’t know him but I do now. His picture should be on the running board of advertisements that look down on customers to start subliminal overt brainwashing. You exit these trams with an urge to buy something if we did our jobs correctly. So much more to be had…for a small fee.
You don’t have to venture far around here to find a star. Right outside our front door is a turnstile of stars coming and going. You might not recognize them-yet, which means they probably are not receiving residual checks either. But someday, just like Jack Wagner -unknowingly your number may be called. Discovery can happen anywhere.
Guides pick up their game when spotting producer types on the route. A burst of energy ensues suddenly. It’s like a-whats wrong with her moment.Then you see why, oh this is my moment to be discovered. They try. They try so hard. However, they are up against it. It’s like a wheel chock holding a tram tire in place. I’m stuck here forever speed as optimism turns back into doubt. Some just want to become DRIVERS…
Stardom isn’t promised here, it must be achieved. We salute and value the efforts all employees put forth. Advancement does exist. Gate Poppers and Orange Cone patrol often advance to Operations. What that does is put you on salary. Sounds great, until you work 12 hours a day with no overtime, because you excepted salary. It’s a ploy to save overtime pay. Drivers costs are the most extreme bill this tour faces. Teamster Mechanics are the true stars stars here. When we get stuck in high water at the Red Sea, we call The Garage. If we fail to make it up a hill, The Garage is also who we call on our C.B Radios.
“Wild Bill” and his boys gets us out of trouble one way or the other. Greasy with oil, these mechanics respond as if we are in the Indy 500. A truck with dual tires and a 4 wheel drive burns rubber as we connect bumbers. Tires creates thick gray smoke. Bill yells ‘step on it’ to the driver. He hangs out the cab waving his cowboy hat to his admiring fans. Tour Guides sing with appreciation no longer having to talk non stop.
Anyone can be a star around here on any given day…We are all- BOLD and BEAUTIFUl on the most famous tour in all the Universe-located right here in Hollywood U.S.A. “Action Jack-we are Rolling!”
The STUD of the lot in the early 80s…I watched his career blossom alongside…The Glamour Tram
There is always more than one. In this series, cars get equal billing. But we only have” One David“
O.K we have two–who knew? And Six Kits Cars…
“Plug him in -see if he works- says Special Effects
The Ides of March
David Hasselhoff is like our studio’s version of Julius Caesar. The Kitt Car thinks it’s “the star,” and this car even talks. Come visit one of them, they are parked all over the lot. One talks to our tourists if you wait in a short line. Ask it anything about David when he’s not behind the wheel. This car and “The Hoff ” are tied to the leather seat upholstery by a seatbelt.
“The Vehicle” formerly named T.A.T.T. which translates to Trans Am Two Thousand. This high functioning picture car is based off a Pontiac Trans Am. WorldWide Studios made truckloads of money off a similar design the Burt Reynolds made famous on Smokey and the Bandit. My Tram Driver uniform jacket was designed after Burt’s jacket in that blockbuster hit. I pretend I’m Burt as I drive around the studio in my shiny silver jacket. It covers a red shirt that looks like an ice cream vendor would wear. Black Polyester pants that radiate in the hot valley sun complete my attire.
Burt is too big for T.V shows these days, so we hired this German Guy fresh off a daytime T.V series...Dr. Snapper was his characters name. The series, The Young and Restless, launched another career. A Glamour Tram tour guide was hired to star in this daytime soap opera. Blazing a trail for Day Tripper on Day Time T.V.
It’s Fun Being Burt…
This Trans Am car spinoff is a hit on N.B.C and Burt, A.K.A Sonny Hooper deserves car credits. Burt and David have things in common besides women hanging all over them, that would be…Trans Am Vehicles. These wonderful lyrics, written back in 1970 for my generation.
Ides of March- this classic tune written in 1970 is a perfect fit for this studio tour. We have vehicles of all shapes and sizes in our Transportation Department.
The Vehicle
Inside my tram is the voluptuous Berlin Busty. Of German Descent, she gives…Great Tours!.Now she is a specialty plate of all things “Deutsch.” An absolutely stunning model, extremely tanned and well endowed, she speaks fluid German. One of her “other jobs” is an interpreter for the German Consulate. Non of our other guides are diplomats, a few strip at local Hollywood Clubs at night, true Knight Riders…
This morning the two of us start a tour that is informative if you speak German. I read the lips and faces of both the guests. My gorgeous Fraulein is armed with a sharp tongue and a ten inch microphone. She answers questions in German, I imagine in English.
This morning as we drive into a bright sunrise, Knight Rider is on the backlot today. Our guests are eating Butterbrots and Wursts. I look German. Sylvester Stallone once offered me a part as a German Soldier on a film made on this lot. The film is titled Paradise Alley. This is a very Nordic Tour.
“Busty” told me on a previous tour while we were alone briefly about her career goals. “Break into the Hollywood Scene is all.” Just like every other guide who gets behind the microphone I think to myself. “The money here is so low, I wouldn’t get by without-side jobs.” What exactly are those side jobs” I blurt out as the empty tram heads back to tram dispatch?
“I do film work, just got back from Mexico on an adult film.” The rubber of my Glamour Tram tires grips the road tightly. We are climbing a hill in my 16 wheeler. My hands are gripping the steering wheel just as tightly. Berlin continues in perfect English-“I do a lot of work on Magnum P.I in Hawaii, Bikini background scenes on the beach mostly.” What a diverse resume as I drive as slow as this empty tram can go…
On today’s tour, I realize we are being stalked by a Trans Am. It’s David Hasselhoff, he often pulls up alongside trams in the Kitt Car. We are driving slowly down New York Street. The Knight Rider Base Camp is set up on the backside of this street. Michael Knight peruses the tram.
“Who’s the German Girl behind the microphone?”…asks the inquisitive KITT.
On my side of the tram is…Berlin Busty in a Bikini on a Bill board. Like a vulture swooping in, here comes Michael Knight.
Tram 8313 is now on K.I.T.T.’s radar, their is an interaction that is all things German. At each turn, it seems Michael speeds by. He only slows down to stare at 175 fanatics who are in the midst of a Glamour Tram Breakfast.
Ms. Busty seems to be a star favorite, Tom Selleck, grab your snorkel. David Hasselhoff shares your same interests…
My tour guide is a star, especially in Germany and Hawaii…watch out for Bruce the Shark!
Who wants to drive in that Ferrari anyways? say K.I.T.T.
I don’t speak German fluently. However, I interpret many languages. Our guides could double as Flight Attendants on any International Flights. I feel like a pilot for Lufthansa today.
As we wind down our specialty tour, I help guests unwind in our closing act, The Spinning Tunnel of Ice. Laughter and screams translate the same in every language. I just hope my guests can hold down their Sauerbraten as we conclude our guided tour. These folks started early because they have a plane to catch…Tschuss, Auf Wiedersehen, Lebe wohl, Mach’s gut, Ich Mus los and so on…
See You- Ms. Busty- On T.V, On Trams, and appearing somewhere “Knightly” near you!
No – This isn’t –The Rolling Stones, that’s not Mick Jager on stage or a British Invasion. This is the Vatican Invasion- starring Pope John Paul 11. On his World Tour, he visited us at our studio, Not to be confused with Led Zeppelin’s base guitarist.
This event stars Pope John Paul 11 and his “Miracle Tunes”…”I love you two, I hope you live forever!” says Pope John. So far so good on- that command…”Music truly does live FOREVER.”
Yes Kieth, this guitarist –Tony Melendez– stole the show. He has- no hands and arms. His cords are played with his toes…
Here is Kieth practicing away on Stage 12 at our studio while filming Pirates of the Caribbean. One of my favorite sets of –All Time!
Two “Complete UnKnowns”
1964 to now…Still a very popular Rolling Stone
Sixty Years of Glamour Tram Stories
“There are more Hazards at this studio/theme park than just choking“
Before Carl Laemmle, Sonny Werblin, and Lew Wasserman, God was in charge here…
God knows Talent Agents when he see’s them!
Sonny Werblin and Lew Wasserman- from the Pearly White Gates of God’s Kingdoms- to the…Black Tower.
Completed in 1964. Constructed of steel, black aluminum, glass and asbestos insulation. This is where scripts are read and careers are “made or broken.” No -Truer Words” This is also home of the H.R Department. This is the last stop saloon for ‘Work force Stars and Movie Stars!”We all exit the same gate. The Pope is coming with a heartfelt message for our hierarchy and all of Hollywood’s Money Trails.
Where Lankershim Blvd meets the 101 Freeway-Easy access. Have your money ready at Kiosk. Yes, our tour never stops running. Get a lifelong pass for cheap!-“Study the – Fine Print” written by lawyers with nothing better to do inside this Black Tower.
“Welcome- all Saintly One”- Two Knights meet a Saint. Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson “Spread Peace” on our lot prior to Pope John showing up with needed “Booster Shots”
Catholic Miracles exist…”Of Course we can fly!” That’s not why I’m here, Hollywood has been… Shameful”
“What Almighty has happened to this Hollywood?” asks the Pope…“Someone please answer me!”Please step up Sally…
“Please Stop Making Films Like this-Have You No Shame” is the Pope’s message. “I will burn your backlot down if need be!” a message from our Lord...Amen! Yes indeed -we had a massive fire soon after. The largest protest ever at this theme park took place on this release date.
God’s Wrath shut down the Tour this afternoon. I was there of course a bared witness to all seen and unseen as only a Catholic can do. A crowd bigger than Woodstock, hippies as far as you can see. A group of ‘Hell’s Angels” showed up on their “Steel Horses.” All entrances are blocked to access tour. God has interesting friends.
Sanctimoniously- we start our tale in the Teamster Driver Break-room. A typical poker game is taking place under a halo of thick cigarette smoke and burned out florescent lights. We can barely see the route map done in erasable ink through this tobacco haze. Normally, conversation involves hatred for Iris, our lead dispatcher, but most often it is about tour guides.
Guides looks, behavior, and abilities to give an interesting tour. Most drivers are male, some happily married, but most NOT!
This place is full of ...Temptations
We compare notes, each driver day dreams differently you see. We staff a few female drivers, some are lesbian, some swing, but all have- Class 1 Drivers Licenses. It seems as if our female drivers do not evaluate male tour guides as we do – the females. I think of it simply as quality control. Top drivers and Top Guides get V.I.P privileges.
The Flight Crew (Driver/Guide) becomes the stars in that category. Celebrities, dignitaries, rock stars, sports heroes, and mostly B and C rated actors or “has bins” are “our” captive audience. We give them the best tours we can, no rules on board our San Francisco trolley. Often, we get big tips.
Iris loves me, literally, my beach zip code and beach good looks spins him in circles on his stool. He always calls me to come over to his Tram Traffic Control Station, or TTCS as we know it. We often talk sports and tour guides. I’m sure he prefers the male guides while I lean opposite-“All Things Female.”
He lives vicariously through me, He puts in so many hours at this tour-he never feels the sun. We don’t think he even has a Class 1 license. One thing for sure-“He is the King.” Studio Operations love his feedback as he backstabs all the drivers that dislike him. He listens to Drivers Complain by secretly turning on the intercom. There is just a silent “HIM” on one end. There is pure dislike on the other end of this can and string.
He also uses this trick in our Unisex Locker room. I dress alongside Tricia, she’s pretty and has a college degree from Florida. She opens her locker only to hand me a Fredericks of Hollywood magazine. Tricia has a great day job here. Still, she leaves work for some “night shift “dressed to kill. If you are forced to watch a Teamster undress-there is none better at it than Tricia. We often flirt. It turns out he has heard some private conversations. He revealed his system. This happened after a friendly, private interaction. I was called into his office as I walked by in street clothes at the end of my shift.
Locker rooms were much different in the 80’s…Next door to us is the Dog Kennels fittingly!
He couldn’t stop laughing with his co-conspirator-Johnny. These two guys make about 250 k between them. They don’t even drive. Now they know The National Enquirer of cool tour stuff. In a short period of employment I have quickly climbed the ladder to-Tour Stardom. I am treated like a celebrity, thanks all to “the most hated office on the hilltop.”
Privilege never stops inside… Glamour Tram Dispatch
I am told about a top secret subject that I am being briefed on. The Pope, my Catholic Guru, is coming to the studio.
The Lord appeals to all!
Things are being figured out with the Union and Studio Operations. Our Shop Steward “Dennis” stands up for the Tram Driving Teamsters. The Vatican is interested in using one of our Glamour Trams as a parade route vehicle. The Pope is headed for iconic destinations in L.A. Dodger Stadium and the L.A Memorial Coliseum. His little Pope Mobile is too small for all the Secret Service.
“We would love to cram all this into just one vehicle- so the Secret Service is in same vehicle.”The Devil never stops planning so either do we!”
Now the question becomes- who can drive for this fleet of God Worshipers…
I’m Catholic and have Alter Boy Looks. If Dennis can put us at the wheel, another prayer of mine will be answered. Ira gives me the “Be Prepared” heads up. I will be thoroughly background checked, I’m warned. “I’ll show them my school pictures if they want to see a real good kid. I was kicked out of Catholic School for some good clean fun. “I hoisted a kid up a flagpole. His mom showed up as he was dangling high above the asphalt. I was just 12.” I left Catholic School with all the Sacraments achievable and a great education.
God has since forgiven me…He always does!
Teamster law is forthright and simple….like the 10 Commandments. Do not drive Studio Equipment, as per collective bargaining. This is required until authorized training of such vehicle is completed. The member must also be dues paying. So, A Clash of the Titans– between The Vatican and Studio Transportation is being smoothed out.
A deal is reached and Studio Teamsters are excluded. The Vatican does not want any of us near the Pope. “Go back to all your gambling, vices, lust, and large pay checks. We don’t want your Tour Guides either….”Amen- Yours Truly The Vatican.”
Only Dennis is involved. And that is for training the Operator who replaces are tram employees. Since this is “off lot” the Vatican dodges a Teamster Bullet. On the Studio lot- God was not physically there for these negations. But he had a hand in it for certain. I think I’m the only driver here that believes in God. That’s why I’m so happy all the time. The rest of the personnel sits complaining about everything under the stars.
Speaking of Stars
We lost this account, an act of God circumvented the Teamster 10 Commandments. But one thing is certain. Each day going onward will be filled with “Stars” from all over this galaxy and beyond. Always stay Holy, like the Hell’s Angels displayed in their protest, when in the company of …Sinners and Producers.
Written and graciously lived by….Donnie Norden
Come Sail Away with Me -My Book Three-soon to be released. Wait until you hear these stories.
Recommended reading of -The Glamour Tram Tour. All Aboard!
The tight winding road circles around a large phone and even larger shopping cart before passing under a waterfall. Props used in the Incredible Shrinking Woman create a lure for travelers to exit happily for some overpriced refreshments. No drinking fountains up here, just a very hot summer sun. Employees know this is a cash grab. This area provides a place to store cattle “tour guests” on super crowded summers and holidays.
Fire codes regarding over crowding has Tour Operations spreading out guests through out our lot. 31 Glamour and Supertrams provide mobile segmentation. This tour is a well oiled machine as is each 16 wheel tram. Your entry ticket provides inclusion to this rest stop that greets you half way through your driven tour. You just lost your breath on the collapsing bridge. You endured the steep climb. Many trams struggle to reach the Hollywood Terrace / Prop Plaza guest stop.
Many guests wish to defer from exiting. They see the long line of frustrated families driving by. These families are waiting to reboard for the second half of the professionally guided tour.
Deferring is not an option…
This is when the guide and driver get flack from the customers refusing to debark. Technically, from a driver standpoint, the next maneuver I must do requires no load in the trailers. We carry out a precision tight squeeze around a horseshoe turn. Cement barriers are a foot along each tram side. This is how we pull in to the final position to reload this 120-foot people mover. We can’t see the trailers clearly. So, we must trust our instruments to execute the complex tram positioning safely.
Those instruments would be a steering wheel, airbrakes, and a front left tire in particular. This area was originally designed safely for a smaller tram that holds 125 guests. Now, WorldWide Studios purchased 20 trams that carry 175 guests in their wide body. This creates the tightest of squeezes. We are proud Hollywood Teamsters can run anything on 2,4, 12, or 16 wheels. I have a smile on my face, and I’m dressed in polyester pants, and an orange shirt. I look like an ice cream vendor, not a Teamster.
Follow the Yellow Brick Road…
A yellow painted line is the most key part in correctly being positioned. This is the most important yellow line on this movie lot. Under no-terms can you vary from this line. Your front left tire must be exactly on the edge. Otherwise, you will hit a cement wall. Patient guests finally see there escape vehicle coming to save them. Kids are excited again. Parents can’t wait to sit down. The anticipation of part 2 of the driven tour will start as quickly as 175 guests can take a seat.
Down the home stretch we come, my tour guide on my side, seated with a microphone and showbiz good looks. All systems are normal. The landing gear is down. An obstacle suddenly presents itself on that exact yellow line. A lined up with 200 guests waiting to board. I continue as slow as possible over this paper type object, a mob is waiting, more people than seats. All Tour employees generate happy smiles as we merge with the public.
Ten feet from my stopping mark everyone’s excitement is jolted. A “POP,” as loud as a shot gun goes off. Like a bomb was just detonated.Pellets disperse like Buckshot. Thousands of brown pellets have “unloaded” themselves on the unsuspecting and visibly disturbed guests. This moment unravels instantly yet unsuspectingly, like a time release tablet or a game of domino’s after the LOUD pop. Then facial reactions as people realize what this substance is…speechless, disgusted, and panicked as guests have been blasted by a babies tiny diaper. It seems as if this kid ate like a pony.
Shit hits the Fan– it’s a heavily packed diaper…
People start examining themselves like Chimps at the Animal Actor Stage. No part of your body is safe. Clothes, skin, hair – all being potential….Hazardous Waste. Not the employees, “we all dodged that bullet, but we weren’t trained for this!”
This is a job for OPERATIONS.…
The tour must go on-“But Not With These People.” Clean families can come board Haz Mat, is on its way as is Engine 51 of Emergency Fame. No one is physically injured, just their pride and probably their vacation in Hollywood. “Disneyland has accidents too” says Mike Meltdown from tour operations. Very calming words of wisdom. He remains speechless, surveying this main artery, just clenching his walkie-talkie, speechless.
Instantly, every souvenir item we can offer is rushed to this Hollywood Terrace. Clothing is rushed up as guests many guests are in need of it. In some cases, they must completely undress. They then wear sanitary clean gift apparel from JAWS The REVENGE and The A-TEAM. In fact, the A-Team van is parked next to the line cues. Cups bearing Sharks and MR. T emblems are handed out at NO-Charge- “a seven dollar value.“
“Help us Please- their is shit everywhere”
“Mom and Dad really smell bad, I’m not sitting next to them anymore!”
Employees in the middle of this meltdown keep “concerned looks” on their faces, but struggle to keep from laughing. Frankly, “we can’t stop laughing!”
All Aboard, next stop-The Flashflood, 10,000 Gallons of Black Water will clean you up – a bit!
Worldwide Studios offers a kennel service to guests who are traveling with their four-legged friends. Dogs are accommodated in air-conditioned, private cages that come complete with a boxed lunch. It’s definitely a better deal than we offer the humans who board our trams!
This dog condo is a popular area for guides to tune-up or take a hit of some fine herb prior boarding the Glamour Tram. I see that Stienbeck is my tour guide this morning as we each walks out of our opposing break-rooms upon being dispatched. “Stiener,” as he is affectionately called, winks and waves to me to follow him, which I do just like the new puppy I am here at Worldwide Studios.
He leads me to the kennel housing, and no sooner does he turn the door handle than a white dog bolts out the door. It had cunningly waited for this opportunity and took off like it had a tram to catch. So much for tuning-up before the tour–we have a buzz kill predicament!
Stiener runs to inform operations that we have a fugitive from the kennel. An open latch on the dog cage allowed this mutt all the leeway it needed. I say “Hi, Good Morning” to Iris as radio transmissions bombard dispatch’s airwaves. Iris laughs as heads spin and managers panic. This incident is breaking news at the theme park.
The message “Guest’s dog on tram route!” echoes through every vehicle that has a radio in the transportation fleet. Suit-and-tie managers flood the tour route in an effort the head off this dog. Every golf cart, van, and station-wagon is deployed to contain this incident. All kinds of incentives are offered for the return of “Fluffy.” A financial reward! A promotion! Exemption from layoffs! A movie role!
Operations is naturally in a total panic, as the dog risks being seen by its family, currently enjoying themselves aboard one of our trams. Steiner is given strict instructions: if we see the dog, don’t point it out while on the tour! If anything, he is to steer guests attention away from the dog should it happen to materialize. The tram day has just begun and we are already in the middle of a massive cover-up. Iris asks me to report any unusual K-9 activity on the route as Steiner and I begin the tour, withholding this secret from guests who think their dog is safe and secure .
This dog has a 470 acre park to explore…it could be anywhere!
Of course there’s a chance the dog will get tired and find its way back to the kennel. Operations has a few hours to resolve this problem, and no solution is beyond reason. A similar replacement dog would not even be out of the question–this this is Worldwide Studios and Theme Park.
The Columbia Ranch is the park featured in the above classic video… could this be Fluffy’s destination? This backlot located just a few blocks away?
We tram drivers and tour guides are not exactly trained for this situation. The backlot is very busy with production vehicles and tram activity so there is a real danger he could be run over. Parts of our wilderness areas have wild bobcats prowling on the loose so it could also end up as a meal for some big stray cat.
Stienbeck gives his tour as usual, facing the audience, but is continually peering over his shoulder in search of Fluffy while being ever so nonchalant. Heaven forbid, poor Fluffy ends up in the Evil Cylon Craft animation, where it will surely want to die. Or maybe it’s hiding in the spinning tube, the on that only rotates with a tram inside, where it will have to overcome vertigo to escape. Worse still would be for him get caught in the flash flood animation. This wild torrent of filthy water could easily steer the pooch into any of a dozen obstructions in the quaint Mexican village. All of these frightening options are on my mind as we slowly move forward, pretending all is well.
Suddenly over the radio we hear that security has spotted a dog running by a guard shack near the wardrobe facility on our tour. It has successfully gotten past the fence and into the massive parking lot that, at this time of day, is almost as busy as the 101 freeway.
It’s a real “Keystone Cops” moment: security guards, animal trainers, managers on golf carts, and crowd controllers dressed in orange vests all flood this central area. Even the Highway Patrol gets involved, blocking the entrance to the freeway on ramp, and a police helicopter is soon hovering above Z-lot. This entire network of professionals has been put into action while the dog’s family calmly relaxes aboard a Glamour Tram.
My tram is returning from a just-completed tour and we drive by the gate where the dog escaped. I have to hand it to Fluffy, he is making a mockery of our operation. I see a future in show-business provided this dog is never reunited with his owners. But finally, the tired and worn-out Fluffy is apprehended, willingly escorted back to the property in Kyle’s shuttle van and returned to solitary confinement. Since he can’t talk, no one will ever know this happened… except us!
World Wide Studios and Theme Park is home of the Glamour Tram. It’s the most popular motorized people mover in the Galaxy. The park at night looks like some kind of expensive LSD trip…
Darkness comes early in December, yet we are barely half-way through our work day when the sun sets. Many famous streets and homes on the tour can barely be seen. Guests twist and turn in their seats looking for some landmark or reference point as tour guides bullshit their way through these night tours.
“That silhouette over there is the ‘Munster’ house. On the opposite side is the ‘Leave it to Beaver’ home”.
The crowds tend to change as it gets darker and the evening develops. The smell of alcohol swirls around myself and my young tour guide Ms. Caine, a.k.a. “Candy.”
This is my first tour with Candy, whose name couldn’t be more perfect for the season. She has another job after she leaves work here–she’s a stripper! Her joint is a club just off the Hollywood freeway, not far from the World Wide theme park.
If you enjoy her X-mas tour, you’re going to love her X-mas show. She strips out of an elf costume to help out Santa Clause…nightly!
I notice a lot of things about Candy as we drive around the lot in the dark. She may climb on a copper pole at her other job, but here, with mic in hand, she likes to wrap her leg around the silver pole right in front of where she sits. It’s pretty sexy, and very unlike any other of the 6 tours I’ve already done today.
The way she delivers her tour information, however, lacks a certain enthusiasm. It’s like her body is here, but her mind is somewhere else. I have to admit, when I’m around her, my mind isn’t much on the tour either!
I wonder if anyone on board will have an opportunity later tonight to see more, if not all of Ms. Caine. After all, ’tis the season!
This group we’re currently driving around is acting a bit raunchy, constantly interacting with us in the front tram car, a.k.a. the power unit. You can tell when a tour group has been self-medicating with alcohol. Everyone seems tuned-up for today’s Glamour Tram experience.
Candy Caine opens her tours the same exact way every time…
It’s like I’m the designated driver for 125 drunkenly stoned knuckleheads. I’m realizing night tours are much more my speed. Strippers, alcohol and drugs–it’s a theme park for adults.
Leave the kids at the hotel! They can play in Telly Savalas’ limo! And speaking of Telly, I think he’d really enjoy thisparticulartour. I’m confident he knows Ms. Caine already, as she’s a regular at his bar on Hotel Hill. We’re one big dysfunctional family here at World Wide Studios/theme park!
As the tour progresses, it occurs to me that the night tours might permit the inclusion of some extra perks that wouldn’t fit the more family-oriented, daytime crowd. How can I go the extra mile, I’m wondering, for the more fun-loving, nocturnal visitors?
I can only come up with dirty answers to this question, but what would you expect in such a derelict atmosphere? All I can do is look at Candy, who really should be called “Eye Candy!”
I try, nevertheless, to focus on my job. Each animation can be quirked beyond the way Dennis taught his class of drivers two months ago. The Perilous Bridge, for instance. If you time the bridge collapsing correctly while increasing the trams throttle, your stomach will flutter as the tram drops two feet. Guests scream! Some even drop personal items.
I like to think the job is more “stunt driver” than anything else. I provide sensations… driving sensations!
Over the course of the tour Candy and I begin to bond, each of us trying to have as much fun as possible. We even hear some guests remark “You guys get paid to do this!?”
Candy sounds a little dejected when when she replies, “He gets paid much more than I do!” Clearly she doesn’t know that being Captain of the longest, gas-powered people mover on Earth is a tremendous responsibility. “Safety with a smile” is our creed, and it’s strategically posted above the break room to remind us.
Next stop on the tour is the Black Lagoon. It’s so dark, Candy can’t be seen, but she tries her best to build up suspense through her spiel. The foul chemicals in the water linger in the air as we hastily leave this area, tram wheels spinning wildly as each car struggles its way out of the draining basin. This is where the water gets pumped out and refilled for the next unsuspecting tram-ful of guests. No surprise: it smells like a toilet! Now you know why it’s called the Black Lagoon!
Next up is the shark attack animation. More than any other, this seems to be the one best enjoyed with an ice cold alcoholic beverage in hand. And as it turns out…
…this is even scarier in the dark!
My passengers warm up as soon they hear the familiar soundtrack from “Jaws”, anticipating the attack of an animatronic Great White. This big fish has been swimming in the pond that doubles for Cabot Cove, Maine for over a decade, and he’s still the favorite creature in this town.
After the final shark-induced screams have died down, the animation resets for the next unsuspecting tram–the dock straightens back up, the fishing boat with the poor fisherman resurfaces, and the shark sinks below the surface of the pond.
This animation is great when sober, but truly wild when witnessed from a tram that feels more like a traveling bar. We exit by way of a long and winding road, passing more famous houses in the dark.
Candy continues her spiel as if this were a normal, daytime crowd. She doesn’t seem to pick up on everyone else’s party vibe. Maybe needs a drink or something? More energy, in any case. The passengers are ready to cut loose, and the single guys on board are giving her their full attention.
The last animation the Glamour Tram can serves up is the Revolving Tube. It starts off very slowly as we pull into this large, spiraling tube to the sound of wolves howling and Arctic winds.
I have been practicing my own signature “tubing” method for this. I park the tram, knowing that the spinning will not stop until I exit.It’s disorienting at first, the constant spinning, but after a hundred rotations or so the passengers get used to it, find their bearings.
It’s at that point, as soon as I see a comfort level setting in on my guests faces, that I tweak everything. Against company rules, I start by backing up the Glamour Tram.
No driver tries this but me. It’s considered a nigh impossible maneuver, but there are rails just in case the driver gets caught up in his own spin. These keep the trailers straight and prevent the jack-knife effect that worries the management so. They may not know how to drive these things, but I do!
Candy has not seen a tram driver execute these moves before, and she’s wondering what I’m up to. I think she’s finally starting to loosen up! She winks and smiles and whispers to me “pretty cool!”
I keep backing up to the sound of screams before speeding forward. I stop once more, back up still again, then race out the exit door.
Guests do everything from cheering to vomiting. Some hang over the side, some are laying on others’ laps, and a good many treat me to loud applause as we get back out into the moon-lit sky on our way back to where this Glamour Tram Tour began.
A Winter Wonderland has been fabricated all around the Glamour Tram tour rout…Fake snow, fake trees, fake smiles, and fake dreams are just part the delusions created at World Wide.
Our guests are greeted with magic, music, and imagination.The BEST minimum wage can buy!…
Just keep following the endless sea of orange parking cones and kids in strollers until you reach the the cloud of bus exhaust. You have arrived at the newly decorated entry.
Our iconic spinning globe will guide you like a hypnosis session. ATM machines endlessly pump out paper money below the Glory to God flashing sign. These machines are lit up like slot machines to make spending look fun.Whistling sounds and bells complete your transaction.
Your almost inside now and look at all the fun you have already experienced, it was worth that small loan on the house to make this trek. “I bet your thirsty?…due to the bus exhaust and long walk.”
Don’t fret, Cups as big as gas cans offer sugar indulgements to carry you to the next stop.. A- Mr. T reflector action cup from the A Team hit TV show is popular. Don’t be a fool andpass this up…sucker!
Red Lights flash:Warning…Money required beyond this point!
Your now cordially welcomed inside our home for X-mas…
Telly Savalas is (Kojack)…around here
On other fronts…
We had a Christmas get together last night at Telly’s Bar. A few guides, a couple drivers and some characters. Frankenstein and The Wolfman like to party…as does Santa Clause. Poor Santa hits the sauce hard, his name is Chris, like Kris Kringle.
But it’s the tour guides that stand out in this glitzy saloon. Many guides try to meet and rub elbows with dignitaries, musicians and TV and movie stars. They let there hair down and leave some buttons opened. After a long day of tramming, drivers- guides and some operations staff-cool off with cocktails.
I see Telly Savalas in a limo all the time when I do the shuttle service up here. I’ve yet to meet him.
My favorite movies are the Dirty Dozen and Kelly’s Heroes. This guy is to a tank what Fred Astaire is to a dance floor. Cigars, goggles, sweat and attitude-he is cut out for war. The back and forth between tank drivers Donald Sutherland and Telly Savalas is classic.
The strange thing is, he drives it, he is not being chauferred. It’s him and his distinguishable large head that I see parked in unusual places around this hotel.
Tour guides have mentioned that Telly has been know to invite select females to his Penthouse. Can’t blame him for that, I like him more already.
Dick is driving the hotel shuttle as I briefly try to chat. The man can’t hear from all the machine gunning he did in Viet Nam. I wish him “Good Luck” as he takes off with a group of Chineese hotel guests. Good thing he doesn’t have a 50 caliber machine gun on this shuttle right now…
Back inside Telly’s bar, it’s packed wall to wall with festive holiday travelers and burned out, worn out World Wide employees.
Driver Kyle lives close and has returned to the facility to frolick with whoever will listen to his attempts to be comedic personality. You will be rewarded for your patience with your name spelled out with white lines on a mirror. Kyle is like a care-giver or lot medic if you wish. Popular and apparently necessary best desrcibes-him!
Today, Iris and I breakdown last nights Laker game vs Michael Jordan and the Bulls. He loves sports and I am the (guy) for that scope of dialouge.
It seems that Iris is taking care of me. I seem to be most liked and favored driver graduate by the most disliked employee on this lot. I do not share the hate that encompasses the driver breakroom. Iris and I our becoming good sports pals, and the benefits that lay ahead due to this new friendship are bountiful…I’m soon to find out!
For now, Iris smiles and points… Tram on the right, please-Mr Donnie
Christmas will soon be upon us at the World Wide theme park, and what better way to spend it than with 20,000-plus entertainment-craving, fanatic tourists?
My fellow graduates and I are about to get a taste of theme park insanity. We’ve been told what to expect, but seeing is believing.
As tour guests arrive they’re greeted by long lines. First there’s one to park your car, then another for the Glamour Tram parking-lot shuttle. Of course, the shuttle drops you off at the longest line of them all: the turnstiles.
There are plenty of ATM machines offering the opportunity to refill wallets and pocket books. There are also large Christmas trees with over-sized, decorative bulbs glistening in the morning sun. It’s all meant to put the the guests in the mood to spend, spend, spend.
Youngsters approaching the ticket booths are mesmerized by the presence of superheroes and supervillains. They’ve bought in already, but it’s the parents who still have to pay.
Whatever this costs…it’s worth it!
Christmas, a.k.a., “Winter Break,” is a month-long party event in World Wide’s eyes.
The Happiest Place in the San Fernando valley!
The studio’s resident Santa Claus is not above suggesting gifts from the World Wide shopping center to children. I saw this Santa getting out of Kyle’s shuttle van once, and I believe he might have been self-medicating. Employees just want to have fun!
Night tours run through the entire month, and I’ll soon find out what Glamour Tram night touring is all about. We open at 8am, and we don’t close until everyone has gotten to ride.
The drivers’ break room is decorated with a string of colored lights and a dried up Christmas tree, compliments the management! I just hope the tree doesn’t catch fire is all. It’s in the back corner by the poker table, where a lot of cigarette smoking, laughing, cussing, and bitching goes on. The star on top the tree is tarnished by smoke and barely visible. Just like a typical smoggy day in L.A., but the festiveness keeps the troop morale high.
Speaking of high, most the drivers seem to be on “medication” of some sort. The group of drivers that hates Iris favor anxiety medication and smoke heavily. Driver Kyle enjoys and delivers snow…by the gram. He drives a van all day in circles around the studio, like some kind of drifter. The energy level in his shuttle is intoxicating. Amped-up employees line up, wearing uniforms and/or costumes and get shuttled inside this white powdered ride…
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…
Employees exit the van happier than when they got in, and Kyle’s a very generous man. Mood swings often take place for those who’re in for a long day. This shuttle definitely has a wild side, and I quickly notice a pattern: Kyle likes to touch me when I ride shot-gun. He makes no bones about it, he wants to F*@k me, so I learn to sit in the backseat!
Kyle listens to Rick Dee’s deejaying on the van’s radio. Huey Lewis comes on, singing “I want a new drug…”
Even Frankenstein gets shit faced here… yet no one can tell.
Back at the break room, I’m tuned up and ready when the speaker on the wall calls out my name. “Oh Donnie! Tram on the right!” Iris commands affectionately.
Viktor and Tilda take deep drags off their fags, happy they didn’t get called and hoping they never do. As the speaker cuts out, a short delay is followed by a “F.U. Iris!” This is not the exception, but the rule.
I like Iris though. We talk sports every morning when I clock in. I look forward to having deeper conversations with him as time goes forward. He can, if he wants, make your day very exceptional since he controls the entire deck of cards.
I hop aboard an already fully-loaded Glamour Tram: number 713. I’m greeted by smiling customers and a voluptuous tour guide I’ve never met before.
Her name is Berlin. Sprechen Sie Deutsch?
Of course this is a German Tour, I quickly find out. I’m lost in translation by the first turn of the steering wheel. That said, I’m infatuated with Ms. Berlin. Dark skin, well-endowed, a mature presence and an expert with the mic!
I don’t understand a thing being said, but I’m having a blast. I stare up and down at this lovely lady sitting next to me in the Galactic Encounter as evil Cylons fire their laser guns. Beams of colored lights playfully dance and reflect off Ms Berlin’s face, like at some Galactic strip joint.
Germans seem to enjoy a good gun battle. Unfortunately, it’s too loud inside this space ship for all the questions I’d like to ask Ms. Berlin. I think to myself, “She has to be an actress, or model or stripper or. . . maybe all three?“
I’ll have to wait til next time to learn more. As we pull into the Robert Wagner wax figure experience, I have to say “Auf Wiedersehen” to my first foreign group ever!
Written and lived by Donnie Norden…page16
Read the Glamour Plane story just posted on Phantomofthebacklots blog…Rock stars and their mile-high life style.
It is a subject I never thought about very much: tourism.
Of course I’ve been a tourist–who hasn’t?
This studio theme park attracts guests by the boatload. An average day sees about 10,000 visitors here at World Wide. We were hired to handle this many tourists and more. Twelve or so drivers get staffed on normal days, but the number can hit thirty during the peak season.
And peak season is exactly what we’re trained for. Senior drivers typically dislike it, as it obliges them to brush up on their tram driving skills. These guys rarely get behind the wheel of a Glamour Tram except during the busy season.
This place is like the United Nations. Every skin color, culture, vocabulary, size and shape walk through these front gates with “Word Wide” emblazoned on them.
I quickly learn when tourism season hits home here in Los Angeles. We are gearing up for the Christmas Holiday Season. Even a small bump in attendance can cause an overflow, which leads to the speedy adoption of a “pack ’em in anywhere” mentality!
Understand, World Wide has no limits on accepting money from strangers. The only limit we have is not having a limit, which creates a hectic environment.
In anticipation of the Christmas rush, we will expand our fleet to handle the full complement of tour goers. All the trams whose engines will turn over get their seat cushions disinfected. After brief tram safety check, we line them up to be loading, a situation not unlike traffic on the 405 freeway.
Everybody that buys a ticket gets a ride!
Female guests are preferred by the almost all the drivers. Blondes, brunettes, red-heads. Persian, Spanish, Swedish, German, Russian, Chinese and Japanese show up in droves during the holidays. Our foreign female guests have a cute way about them.They’re all big smiles and broken English, here to see celebrities and experience movie magic.
But drivers beware! You will hear the same questions asked over and over, albeit in different languages. At least foreign tourists don’t bring the truckload of kids that the bible belt patrons do. For these types, seeing Hollywood is a bigevent! I expect most have never even seen the Pacific Ocean.
Tour buses start the morning off by the dozens. Drivers dump off their groups at the turnstile and let their engines idle all day while they enjoying their air conditioning. Naturally, a foul odor of diesel fumes clouds over this section of the World Wide parking lot. The tour groups that exit these buses are given specific T-shirts to facilitate a quick and easy round-up.
It’s worth noting that tourism includes not just World Wide, but all the usual Hollywood locations: Disneyland, Knotts Berry Farm, the Wax Actors Museum, Venice beach, et al. Our shuttle drivers regularly get asked for personal recommendations on the hip things to do!
In the short time I’ve been here, I’ve gotten a taste of what to expect. You hit the ground running on this job!
I have different answers for different faces, especially faces I wouldn’t mind hooking up with. Since I live in a rent-stabilized place Santa Monica with an ocean view, I’m a big proponent of guests visiting the beach. I answer question after question, usually cutting to the chase since, after all, I’m on a schedule!
I feel like I’m most like a Swiss Army Knife. I have a tool for almost every situation! Some guests, especially in the evening after some drinking has occurred, will do anything for a behind the scenes, up close and personal “Donnie tour!”
L.A. has many iconic music venues: The Hollywood Bowl, The Forum, The Troubadour, and last but not least, The World Wide Amphitheater.
The world’s top artists perform in this arena, known for its red carpets, colored lighting, and exemplary acoustics. Guests have to pay a separate admission for performances, but the Glamour Tram eases by the backside as the various acts load in.
Many tour guests begin drooling when they get a close-up look at the bands popping in and out of their fancy tour buses parked outside. The backstage area is regularly packed with roadies, groupies, and celebrities….
Of course, drivers are needed for this whole operation, especially to ferry the artists around and take care of their needs. We have one driver who’s always assigned to this gig, Chuck, who also doubles as a fork-lift operator. If a show needs it, a Teamster will get it!
Elton John will be coming in for a three-night stint soon and there’s already excitement in the air. Satellite equipment and production trucks are fighting for parking and tents pop up everywhere except on our Glamour Tram route.
Elton…needless to say, above.
Chuck’s job is the one I want. No uniform, just shorts, flip flops, and a brush for his long thick hair. He answers only to the Music Theater, not Iris, which I think is pretty cool. He writes his own meal ticket…
I meet him one morning while checking out my Glamour Tram. “Chuck, meet Donnie!” says the garage mechanic. He looks a bit drowsy, having been here 18 hours straight, but he’s as friendly as a Teamster can be.
I’ve heard so much about him from other drivers, I feel like I already know him. We hit it off as soon as he learns of my nice beach address and we start talking scuba diving.
Rock stars, lobsters, and sharks make for a lively discussion, and it’s clear he knows a lot of secrets around this lot. He’s been here forever, it seems, and he promises me a backstage pass sometime soon! Today, however, he needs to get some rest, and I need to return my Glamour Tram to dispatch, so Chuck and I say, “Farewell.”
Interaction between tourists and tour guides begins before the driver’s arrival, so there’s already a certain kind of energy in the air by the time I climb aboard. They cheer me as I shut the door. My tour guide, Paul, introduces me, and begins his spiel.
As we pass by the backstage area, Paul informs the guests that “This activity is for Elton John. His show opens tonight!” Even though this is only our first tour, Paul seems like a very nice chap. I’m still a puppy taking it all in. I still cant believe I got this job by answering an add in the newspaper.
At the Robert Wagner stage, tour guide Donna replaces Paul. I haven’t met her yet, but she seems like a lot of fun, and she easily holds the group in the palm of her hand. As we tour the backlot, we establish a pretty good vibe. She’s better than a double espresso, and I can already tell she’s going to be a super trooper to tour with.
I’ll have to wait to get to know her better, but I’m looking forward to it!
Inside this spiraling complex exists virtually every form of entertainment and relaxation. Two large 5 star hotels tower over the park with views stretching to the distant mountains.
Tucked below and in-between these mega-plexes are the fancy eateries and bars. The crowds here like to party and generally don’t have their kids in tow. Tour employees often refresh and unwind after a long day on the road at one of four whistle-stops on the shuttle route.
Telly’s Bar, Whompoppers, Victoria Station, and The Hilton all wait, doors wide open, for that next shuttle bus to unload. Naturally, Teamsters control this racket also.
These shuttles are basically plush vans, but there are also open-air “clown wagons” that can hold about 30 people. It’s like a tour bus you might see on Hollywood Blvd.
“Shuttle service in the morning is much different than at night,” says Homo, a senior driver and full-time playboy. He often volunteers for this job, despite its monotony, in order to focus on the the lonely vixens that hop on looking for adventure. He’s essentially a wolf, and this hill is his hunting ground.
Iris wants me to ride along with Homo so as to become more familiar with the route. Homo looks like Robert Redford and the Marlboro man combined. We hit it off, although his deep eye stare makes me wonder if I’m not being looked at as a piece of prime rib.
He knows everybody that works here and even some who stayed just a couple of nights. He’s kissed and hugged repeatedly at every restaurant and hotel shuttle stop. Women ride this “free love” train over and over, I’m told, just to smooch with Homo.
I don’t know how one man can process all this flirtation and temptation. Homo starts work early so he can be free to roam at night. The shuttles run until the bars close, so other drivers get to share in this loosey goosey environment.
“The later it get’s…the looser it gets” quotes Homo.
Women often look like models from around the world and frolick about from bar-to bar. Usually, hanging on with one hand to a safety pole and the other grabbing the driver…somewhere.
No tour guides ride these shuttles other than for a lift. The driver sometimes is the entire show…
Homo has assisted many an inebriated guest back up to there hotel room. Now that’s sevice!
Really, what I’m being taught goes beyond words. As Homo keeps touching me sporadically, I’m reminded, “this job is as much about feelings as it is about driving.”
Just in the hour I have been driving with Homo on the shuttle rout, we have broke out our Dutch vocabulary with three pretty Belgium girls. Quickly, we shift to needed Japaneese/ Americana on our next pick up-delivery.
These girls are so sweet, they’re just looking to have fun in a foreign land.We sometimes are the first friendly faces they see as they stumble out of the hotels in the daytime… Or sometimes, the last face they see as we carry them to the elevator at night.
This hilltop is rated hot, hotter, and hottest.Hottest… being when the Music Theater has a concert competeing for space in the congested center of the universe.
World Wide can’t process the cash fast enough. Shuttles get stuck in the traffic grid itself.
With the help of my teacher, mentor, and friend… (Homo), have learned another piece of the giant studio/theme park property. This park works most fluid and efficiently with the right operator on the right apparatus.
Personality will go a long way in this…the party area, of World Wide Entertainment.
After completeing my inaugural Glamour Tram excursion, this time with trailers filled with humans, I run inside the drivers breakroom. A mixed bag of nuts waits inside.
A card game is taking place in the corner of this trailer we all call home. A thick cloud of cigarette smoke hovers above a pile of cash, as drivers shout, “I’ll Raise ya!”
These are the cool group to be in… it appears. They sure are having fun, anyways. Others appear dejected or mad, as certain people are paired off.
Everyone seems to need or is on some medication.
Viktor and Tilda are taking long, deep drags from their fags. They seem discontented, as if they hate being here. Isolated in the part of the trailer that resembles a complaintdepartment. Iris is the subject of contention.
Dick, my class mate, just took his first tour, and Ted, my actor buddy, is out on a shuttle bus. We have indicative duties and tasks related to the different fleet operation tasks. We do much more than operate Glamour trams….
Outside the breakroom, alone as always, is Professor John. He tucks himself away from the noise and smoke that permeates inside and reads books like War and Peace…outside. He prefers the smog we call L.A.
I mingle and meet these tour veterans like I’m at some cocktail party. The Guides have their own trailer to dress and relax. We normally only interact on trams… and in bars! That would be after the L.T.D leaves dispatch…Last tram of the day!
Suddenly, from the notorius speaker on the wall…
Viktor gets called “Viktor, tram on the left, sir”
Iris sounded nice to me on these two requests to both of us.
“Donnie-tram on the right”
As I walk towards our trams with my Russian colleague, he smokes and cusses as long as he can, right before greeting the guests. “I want to kill that M.. F er!” Viktor fumes.
“He’s trying to F’ with me” Viktor continues on as he flicks his cigerette butt on to the pavement, in anger.
Iris sounded pretty nice to me anyway… I’m not sure why Vik and Tilda hate him?
I climb in my power unit and face 125 happy faces and one prune looking face. That face belongs to Austin, he is our tour guide. Unlike Laurie before, Austin ignores me.
He has an attitude going on, I can tell already…
I’m the only happy employee, besides Iris, in this area… Austin should be paired with Viktor…on a Glamour Tram tour from hell.
Lots of quietness as we begin our tour, just my trams engine. But I see a bunch of happy kid’s faces in my mirrors. All wearing orange T-shirts identifying some specific day camp. They can’t wait for their energy to be matched by our tour guide.
Austin sits quietly, disengaged from this entire tram. I feel like taking his microphone from him. Proceeding all the way to the Gallactic Encounter animation, only the mandatory safety rules have been spoken. Austin is ignoring everyone.
He acts as if he is to dignified to talk to children, as they pop – bubble gum bubbles on their lips. The kids stare back, blankly at Austin with his British look and demeanor. Don’ttread on me… is the mood in this unit right now.
The kids and I enjoyed our short little tour. I trade them in now for another group ready to leave… the Robert Wagner wax and audio experience complex.
Well lucky me, little Laurie is headed my way with another tour group. I’m about to do the long, second half of the guided tram tour, with living guests, not mannequins. I will rely on and apply all of Dennis’s personalized tutorlidge on Glamour Trams.
I shout “Watch your arms and legs” to each car as I safely close each tram gate. I remember to remove my wheel chock so we can safely move forward.
Laurie repeats the safety rules as the energy level rachett’s up as we head towards the tightly packed property wearhouse. Laurie has been on my mind since our first tour group drop off this morning.
Now I get to see her entire catalouge on display. She is what I expected a World Wide tour guide to be.
Cute, energetic, perky, and professional. Laurie has a gift to gab and is also wonderful eye candy to boot. She is also informative…kids and adults appreciate her smooth style.
We finish my first complete tour ever with a large round of applause, for Ms. Laurie and myself. In our very brief time, we have started developing Glamour Tram chemistry.
As we wink and say our initial (Good- by’s)… I kind hope it carries over soon to a… Glamour Tram night!
Glamour Tram Stories 